In the car a few days ago, one of my children was desparately trying to explain something to me that happened at school. The story did not make logical sense to me, so I was asking questions to help me understand. Apparently my questions were causing great frustration. After repeated attempts to explain the situation, I heard my daughter take a deep breath and say in a soft voice, "Okay, I'm going to very calmly tell you again." Even though I never did completely understand her story, I let her know that I was very proud of her self-control. She recognized her anger rising up and took control of her actions.
I wish I could say my daughter learned this self-control from me. While it is something we talk about, it is not something I model particularly well when it comes to anger. I recently found great encouragement and conviction in Joel R. Beeke's book Parenting by God's Promises. Beeke spends a whole chapter on anger and poignantly warns readers, "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret." This advice is relevant not only for parenting but in every other relationship as well. I cannot think of a single time when I wish I had spoken in my anger, but I can think of plenty of times when I wish I had kept my mouth shut or taken a deep breath or verbally talked myself into self-control like my daughter did.
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret." ~Joel R. Beeke
Anger is not always a bad thing. We can have righteous anger over bullying, injustice, wrongdoing, and evil practices. We should be angry about the things that do not bring glory to God. In Psalm 4, David is in distress. He is crying out to the Lord because of wicked men's injustice, vain words, and lies. Even though he is greatly bothered by what he is witnessing, he says, "Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent" (Psalm 4:4). In a similar sentiment, Beeke advises, "Silence is better than an angry tirade." This practice is much easier said than done. In moments of anger, we think we will feel much better if we just get everything out in the open regardless of what we say or how we say it. In most cases, it is vital to discuss a problem openly and honestly; however, if we do so in a sinful manner, the problem grows larger and will remain unresolved.
So what should we do when we feel overwhelmed by anger? We must deny our flesh and walk by the Spirit. "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control" (Galatians 5:19-23). Walking by the Spirit and exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit are not accomplished in our own power. As we pray, read Scripture, and seek godly counsel, we are molded more and more into the image of Jesus, who is our ultimate example of self-control.
Take a deep breath. Breathe in the Holy Spirit. We cannot breathe him out if we do not first breathe him in.
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